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In Stylista's Perfect World...
...Kiera Knightly would wear this tremendous Dior masterpiece
Some of you might think this gown could be a one way to ticket to the shit list. But I think not.
Albeit Knightly is built like a model, she has never really reached her full fashion potential.
If anyone can pull off this avante-garde couture look, she can. I think Stylista has a new favorite! Drool, people!
Oiginal photo source: Style.com/composite by Stylista
Sunday, January 27, 2008
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In Stylista's Perfect World...
...Angelina Jolie would wear this magnificent Atelier Versace gown
Can you picture it, people?! Angie, walking the 2008 Oscar carpet — in Brad's bulging arms — in this regal showtopper!
It's toooo much for me. *Faints*
I'm so f*ing sick of seeing her in black. If I see her in another black dress, I would have to neuter myslef! She could bring so much justice and juice to this ensemble—so much that it would make me want to adopt children of my own.
What's wrong with her? Doesn't she know she needs color?! Somebody get this bitch some color now and help her look like this!
Original photo source: Style.com/composite by Stylista
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In Stylista's Perfect World...
...Nicole Kidman would wear this fabulous Armani Prive gown
Imagine if Nicole walked into this year's Oscars wearing this, people! It would be...it would be...so...so...orgasmic!! Charlize would just die. I would just die!
She's been in a fashion slump lately. This is the sort of earth-shattering comeback she needs to retain her throne as queen of the bloody carpet.
Pray people! Pray!
Original photo source: Style.com/composite by Stylista
Saturday, January 26, 2008
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Hall Of Fame
Penelope Cruz in Ralph Lauren at the Oscars
Up until that night, nobody knew who the hell she was. But when she stepped out in this regal, romantic, and muy glamorous gown — well, nobody still knew who the hell she was.
This image has stuck with me all these years. It remains one of my favorites of all time.
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Red Carpet Slugfest:
Penelope vs. JLo
1. The Spanish Señorita
Who wore it first? Penelope
Who wore it best? Hands down Penelope.
Well, duh...she's Spanish — and she embodies this look to perfection. JLo is from Puerto Rico, by way of the NYC 6-train, who is trying her very hardest to look like Sophia Loren here, with tranny-esque results. Work!
2. Gimme Some Sash
Who wore it first? JLo
Who wore it best? Penelope. Again, hands down. This Carolina Herrera number fits her beautifully. Doesn't she look 6 ft. tall here?
JLo, tell me who did your hair and we'll have that queen neutered. Tragic!
3. Severe Drama
Who wore it first? Penelope
Who wore it best? It's a tie. For starters, they both look like drag queen impersonators of themselves. JLo. the orange wonder, is unable to move her face from her hair pulled back so tight.
Penelope sorta resembles Mr. Bean here, I don't know why I think that. But she's at Cannes, and there's no other place to wear such fabulous bling than Cannes. Oh, JLo says the Oscars. You're right JLo. Love your bling too.
4. The Virgin-White Halter for Non-Virgins
Who wore it first? Penelope
Who wore it best? Penelope. She looks very chic in this enemble, and the touch of gardenias in her hair is absolutely adorable. JLo is her usual sexpot self.
Here, our beauties are both accompanied by two of the world's shortest men. And can anybody tell me why everybody becomes a fashion icon after hooking up with Tom Cruise? You know — Nicole, Penny, and now, Katie?
...wait! I do know why!! *Wink*
5. The Princess Diaries
Photo source: www.gossipgirlz.de
Who wore it first? JLo
Who wore it best? I'm giving this one to JLo —by default, because Penelope looks even more like Mr. Bean in this one.
Both gowns are stunning. JLo's Marchesa needs to be worn by someone skinnier and taller. Penelope's dress does not deserve this lame excuse for a hairdo.
6. The Beige, Strapless, Versace, Oscar Showstopper
Photo Source: Style.com
Who wore it first? JLo
Who wore it best? What do you think? You can't do a dress justice if you look like a poodle from the neck up! Hair dresser? Neutered!
Penelope's gown is breathtaking, albeit in person, it looked rather filthy and stinky and heavy. But the the detail work in the bodice is gorgeous.
Monday, January 21, 2008
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What Happened to You?
I didn't think it was possible to look dowdy and skanky a the same time. But here, Hillary clearly proves me wrong!
And in case you're wondering who made this shitastic dress, it's right behind her in big bold letters! Giorgio must be proud!
The Katie-copied hair; that dress; the cinnamon sticks pasted on her breasts; those shoes — all truly hideous. *Puke*
Photos: Justjared.com
Sunday, January 20, 2008
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Hottie You've Never Heard Of
Odette Yutson in J Mendel at the Cloverfield Premiere
I'm thinking, "Is that Jessica Alba?" But then I thought, "Wait, she's fat now...or pregnant or bloated or something."
Stunning. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Who the hell is this bitch and where did she come from?!
Me like more!
Photo: Justjared.com
Saturday, January 19, 2008
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Chanel Your Inner Fugly
Kate Moss, Ellen Pompeo, Vanessa Paradis & Blake Livey. All in Chanel.
Okay, I know that Karl Largerfeld is widely regarded as a genius. But as you can see from exhibits A B C & D, he is also highly capable of creating some of the most shitastic fashion around.
You know he's watching these poor hags walk don the runway, telling himself, "Zey, what waz O zmokiiing zat day?"
Note to all: Just because it's Chanel, doesn't mean you're not getting poop on a scoop.
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My Inspiration
Left: Lindsay Lohan, Right: Mariah Carey
Feathered blonde hair parted in the middle? Check! Skintight black mini? Check! Duct-taped boobage? Check. Peep-toe Christian Loubotins? Check!
When you wake up feeling like a slut, you can always look to Mariah for inspiration. Smart girl that Lindsay.
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Red Carpet Slugfest:
Charlize vs Nicole
1. The Blue-Green, Strapless, Silk, Mermaid Gown
Who wore it first? These two icons of the red carpet wore these on the same night!
Who wore it better? Charlize's Dior had a better fit and more dramatic silhouette. That peacock feather Kidman added just looks sad...and itchy. And someone sat on her hair.
2. The Lavender, Stapless, Column Gown
Who wore it first? Kidman did.
Who wore it better? The only difference here is the f*ing trophy. Um, very scary. I think Charlize ripped off a few pages from the Kidman playbook on How to Dress Like a Winner that year. Kidman takes this one...by an earring. Did you see those things? They're like wall fixtures!
3. The Sparkly, Beige, Tom Ford Showstopper
Who wore it first? Kidman did.
Who wore it better? Charlize fit hers like a glove. But I've said this before...nobody accessorizes like Nicole. Those long, duster earrings are a touch of genius. She looked like royalty that night. Besides, Charlize looked like an orange racoon. And who shaved her eyebrows?
4. The Little Black Fringed Dress
Who wore it first? Charlize did.
Who wore it better? Charlize looks flirty and fun. I love those cute two-toned shoes! Nicole, on the other hand, looks like a Vegas hooker from 1975.
4. The High Drama Gown with the Built-In Floatation Device
Who wore it first? Charlize.
Who wore it better? I get what Charlize was trying to do here. She wanted to do something very editorial and avante-garde, and daring, and all that crap. So she totally deserved to look like a giant, green, leafy vegetable was eating her alive. Nicole just wanted to show her how to rock a bow properly...Christmas style.
5. The Black, Mermaid Gown with Plunging Neckline
Who wore it first? Charlize.
Who wore it better? Nicole. By a mile. She looks stunning in this streamlined look, although her boobies are a mess. I think those two are not in good terms ( the boobies). I think one beat the other up earlier that night. Charlize's ponytail looks cheesy as shit.
6. The Light, Airy, Ruffled Dress.
Who wore it first? Nicole did.
Who wore it better? Charlize looked lovely and ethereal, with a fresh take on the ruffled trend from that year. I love that diamond clip that pulling her hair back! Nicole, the friendly ghost, looks like a walking fuorescent bulb with a bad hairdo.
7. The Frothy, Light Blue Number
Who wore it first? Nicole did.
Who wore it better? Charlize was "inspired" by this look so she ripped it off the year after Nicole showed up at the Oscars. Fortunately for Charlize, she one-upped Nic on this one.
La Kidman looked like a girl in dire need of a sandwich. But that's not a bad thing, really.
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Friday, January 18, 2008
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The Best Of Nicole Kidman
10. Ethereal Beauty
10. The Crouching Tiger
In Gucci at the Tony Awards
I have to say, this dress is so fierce! She looks like a tall, shiny, hot...vase.
9. Like Butter
Photo: Gary Hershorn/Reuters
In Chanel at the Oscars
When she came out on stage, it seemed as though she was walking on air. I heard this gown took 200 hours and an entire village of peasants in Northern France. Or something like that.
Take note that Charlize Theron ripped off this look the year after.
8. Psychidelic Chic
In Pucci at the Cannes Film Festival
Name another Hollywood actress who could have pulled this off the way Nic oh-so-gloriously did? Can you imagine JLO in this? Halle Berry? Beyonce? Exactly! They'd all take this look on a one way trip to tackyland.
7. Like A Virgin
In Emmanuel Ungaro at the BAFSTAs
Would you look at that smile! Appreciate it people, it's really hard for her to conjure that up with all that...product. La kidman is pure class in this simple satin column dress with stunning gathering at the hem. Bonus points for the burgundy baubles, as an amateur would have gone with diamonds.
6. The Little black Dress That Could
In Alaia
I know the word "chic" gets thrown around loosely these days. Every Hollywood hag with a stylist is being referred to as such, I've noticed. Note to all: You can't bottle this shiz.
5. Spiderman Would Be Proud
Photo: A.M.P.A.S
In Jean Paul Gauliter at the Oscars
There were countless versions of this dress popping up on every red carpet before Nic wore hers. Its a testament to her incomparable style that the dress looked fresh and completely original on her. Fran Drescher wore a similar dress and it looked like it was strangling her to death.
4. A Little Bondage Makes The World Go Round
In Tom Ford for YSL at the Golden Globes
How Ms. Kidman managed to look sweet and innocent in this S&M inspired gown is beyond me. She wore this right after Napoleon Bonaparte dumped her ass. Its the best damn thing that ever happened to her.
3. Wearing the Carpet
In Balenciaga at the Oscars
If dressing up as a Christmas gift isn't taking a risk, I don't know what is. Nicolas Ghesquiere really surprised me with this design, as it was so unlike what he has whipped out before.
2. The Future Of Couture
In Dior at the Oscars
Alas, the most lauded red carpet dress of all time is actually not my favorite Kidman look.
1. The Mullet
In Tom Ford for YSL at the Golden Globes
When she came out in this a few years back, I had a major fashion heart attack. She is perfection from head to toe. This dress, both ethereal and edgy, are perfectly accessorized with oversized chandelier earings and see-through peep-toe pumps. The
Thursday, January 17, 2008
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The Best Oscar Looks Of All Time
10. Best Color
Nicole Kidman in Balenciaga
Nicole is not the most consistently best dressed actress in the world. But when she steps out for a major red carpet event — no one does it better. When I saw her for the first time in this, I came in my pants and burst into one gargantuan fashion orgasm. With that eye-poppong red, she's saying: "Look at me bitches! See how it's done!" And name any other woman in Hollywood who can pull off that severe bow and cape combo? Charlize tried it once and ended up looking like Quazimodo in drag. Bonus points for not going with an otherwise expected updo. Any neophtye would have with this dress.
9. Most Regal
Jennifer Garner in Valentino
Jennifer Garner is regal? Cute, sweet, and built like a teenage boy — maybe. But regal? That is the genius of this vintage Valentino look that launched stylist Rachel Zoe's career. To say that it was well put together is a grave understatement. This is the best that Jen has ever looked...or ever will for that matter. Marvel at how the exquisite rouching in the bodice hugs her curves and eventually spreads out into a dramatic train. When she walked out on stage, the back skirt flowed so beautifully, like an exotic bird spreading its wings. I nearly crapped my pants. The oversized drop earrings were just the perfect exclamation point to this glorious orange extravaganza.
8. The Sexiest
Charlize Theron in Vera Wang
Speaking of orange — this one takes the cake for the the most jaw-droppingly scintillating orange dress ever hemmed up. As a matter of fact, this girl's career can be summed up in two parts: before and after this dress. This glorious confection, made from layers and layers of paper-thin fabric to achieve its airy feel, literally made Charlize a household name. The styling and silhouette recall Hollywood's Golden Age. When it comes to poise, confidence, and allure, Charlize is truly the gold standard. Bitch.
Kudos to Vera Wang for adding those antique brooches that add character and credibility to the look.
7. Most Chic
Susan Sarandon in Dolce & Gabbana
This bold, fashion-forward, copper number that Susan wore to pick up her Oscar counts as one of the most memorable of all time. From the in-your-face messy do; the naked ears and neck; and the modern ball gown sillhouete — this is self-assured dressing at its best. She outshone every hag half-her age that night. Tres chic!
6. Most Personal
Photo: Evan Agostini, Getty Images
Cate Blanchett in Galliano
If I went to the Oscars for the first time, I think this is exactly what I would want to wear too. Simple, sweet, but with an edge. I love how she downplayed the intricate, whimsical detailing by casually wearing her hair down. It didn't look too "precious" on her. Cate didn't win that night (Gwyneth and her pink, prom vomit of a gown did), but it was her dress was lauded by all the fashion critics the next day. It brought even more glory to the genius that is John Galliano, who reportedly designed the dress with Blanchett over dinner.
5. Most Event-Appropriate
Jessica Alba in Versace
Okay, so "event-appropriate" sounds a little like "Sunday best" or "PTA meeting outfit", but if one were to dress properly for the Oscars, she should look like this. Jessica looked like the Oscar, and that's not a bad thing. The look is glamour personified — perfect hair, perfect bling, perfect dress. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Too perfect, anyone? It looks as if (crazy old) Donatella poured this gold gown directly on to her.
4. Most Ethereal
Charlize Theron in Dior
Nicole Kidman wore a similar dress with the exact same color the year before, right after she had worn another similar dress (in pink) with the same frothy feel for a Chanel No.5 commercial. So you can almost picture Charlize's inner monologue that year: "I'm gonna show that tight-faced hanger who's queen of the red flipping carpet!"
I salivated over this dress for weeks after I saw it. There's only two places you can wear something like this, the Oscars and your wedding. But you'll run the risk of looking like the cake. Cue Enya.
3. Best Winner's Look
Julia Roberts in Valentino
Everybody and their dog's hump buddy knew that Julia Roberts was going to win for Erin Brokovich that night. Julia Roberts knew she was going to win that night — and she made sure she looked every bit the winner. As it turns out, no has ever looked better while picking up an Oscar...ever. As America's biggest movie star, she was very smart to stay away from the princess/debutante route that everyone was going for at that time. Her look was sophisticated, classy — befitting of an accomplished actress whose stardom was on a different plain. But then she came back looking like a poodle the year after to present the Best Actor Award to Denzel. Oh, well.
2. Most Dramatic
Catherine Zeta Jones in Versace
This is the first look that comes to mind when someone mentions "Oscar fashion." For me, it epitomizes how every movie star should look on Hollywood's biggest night. Set against Catherine's raven hair and fair skin, this crimson gown could not have looked better on any actress — living, dead, or thought dead but really living. This is Versace's biggest red carpet home run to date.
1. Most Elegant
Photo: AMPAS
Nicole Kidman in Dior
This dress cemented Kidman's place as the undisputed Oscar red carpet heavy weight champion. It has been for over a decade now and here's why: 1.) It heralded the eventual trend of actresses wearing couture on the carpet. 2. With her tall frame, statuesque figure, and fair complexion, I don't think anyone else could have pulled this dress off the way kidman did. 3.) Does anyone accessorize better? The Indian earrings and East-Asian bracelets? All this without a stylist. Now there's a reason to really hate her!
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